Parent Conferences

I dread parent conferences.

When I was a new teacher, I dreaded parent conferences for different reasons. I was never quite sure how to judge their child's ability, then articulate this in a way that makes sense for the parent. I was afraid they'd look at me, and immediately want their child moved to another classroom, as I obviously was so young, and couldn't possibly know anything. Especially those parents who scheduled the conference because of the language arts grade.

I didn't really know how to tell them about their child's classroom behaviors, or what to tell them when they asked me how they can help their child improve. Essentially, it just made me really uncomfortable.

Now I'm not so uncomfortable meeting the parents, and I feel pretty confident about what I want to say and how to phrase it. I am not frightened of talking to them, as I used to be, and I am just chock full of the educational jargon that tells me exactly how to say what I need to without being overcritical and harsh.

Instead, I dread them because you simply never know how a parent is going to react.

This year, we have had a ridiculous amount of parent conferences, made even more ridiculous because we have had some with the same parents three times.

Sometimes, the parents come in with a massive attitude, mostly because they are embarrassed they have to be there in the first place. Somehow, in their mind, their child's misbehavior shows the entire world that they are terrible parents, and they have failed.

This is not true, parents. We do not view your child and say that you are a horrible parent. Since they are out of your site, and they are only children, you are not judged by their behavior, especially initially.

After we have met, or after we have communicated in some way about the trouble your child is having adjusting to the confines of the classroom, it does change a bit. When a parent promises that we will not see any of the negative behaviors anymore, and that they will be checking up on their child's homework and study time, but then does not follow through, we then start to wonder about what's really going on.

We still don't assume you're a bad parent! So parents don't need to come to their conferences so freaked out that they behave badly.

I can promise that you will be viewed negatively if you scream at me because your child got in trouble or about their grades. As the oft-repeated, annoying to hear, but ultimately very true expression says, "I do not give any child a grade... they earn them."

Sometimes parents come in obviously nervous, like they're afraid we are going to attack. Once they see how nice we are, the tend to relax, but they still look relieved when they are finally allowed to leave.

Other parents enter and are angry, but not at us. They are furious that their child has made them take time off of work to come and talk to all of their child's teachers. This is always intensified by the fact that it's generally because of unacceptable behavior or a total lack of effort on their child's parent, instead of a genuine lack of ability.

Sometimes the parents just sit there and get angrier and angrier, and you honestly feel bad for the child when they go home. This is especially true if they find out their child has been lying to his teachers and also to them.

Sometimes the parents start interrogating their child right there, and the kids starts crying. Sometimes the parents tell the kid right there what is going to be taken away when they get home that day. The kids tend to cry then, too.

Sometimes they reach over and smack them. Sometimes it's a little disturbing (not abusive at all, just a bit awkward), and other times it's hilarious. Like they bop them on their arm in frustration. Since we often feel like doing that, or shaking them when we don't understand their behavior, it's nice to see.

I guess the whole point of this is parent conferences are rarely something we look forward to, unless we have a large issue and are desperate to talk to a particular parent.

We have four next week, and I'm sure the only reason we don't have five is that they are not allowed to schedule ones on Tuesdays, because those are the days that we are supposed to be have meetings, if we need to have them.

We just had a fairly good one, where the parent seems to understand everything you say, and they promise to help the kid. Of course, the very next day the child was right back to his old behaviors, and didn't have his homework.

Another mother cried, and her son was horrified. He was good for just one full week... but he was perfect that week. Still, he didn't do any homework during that perfect behavior week.

Another recent one was... interesting. The parents were talking about how their child has all these problems, and needs lots of extra help, and we really need to be aware of the limitations of what we can expect in the way of classroom. However, until they meet with us, we had not known there was anything wrong or unusual with her. She was a little silly, but no more than any other 12-year-old. So we are watching her, but her difficulties all arise from her need to constantly talk.

And finally, we had a great conference, with a super-mom, who told us what she's now doing at home to help her son, and it was just great. After we leave conferences like that, we are always so much happier than when we get there.

So I guess that all conferences aren't the same. I guess I should change my mind about the idea of conferences.

I should, but I won't.

It's too easy to remember the ones who tell us horrible stories that just hurts my soul, or the ones who scream at us, or the ones who make things awkward by yelling at their child.

Ah, well. At least there are ones that work out nicely.

Thank goodness!