Why Do They Lie?

We have been slammed recently on our team (and I think our whole school) with parent conferences, since report cards have gone home recently, and since this time, there was a little letter attached explaining the retention/promotion policy, so parents became aware of just how serious those Fs in math, language arts, social studies, and science truly are.

Something we have noticed about our kids in these conferences is that they lie. They will stare you in the face and lie to their parents and to you. Then, they will look ashamed and sob.

Why do they do that? They know we are right there listening to them and we will bust them. For example, one student told his mother that he always does his homework in class, every day, so that's why he doesn't ever have homework.

Now, this is not true. In all of the classes on my team, we simply do not do homework in class, because we're busy doing classwork. It is a very, very rare occasion that allows them to even start their homework in class, let alone finish it. In my class, we perhaps begin homework in class once a month.

So of course, all of his teachers explained that this was not true, and he just doesn't ever do his homework, showing her the print out of his grades, which show he hasn't done any homework this 9 weeks.

Why would they do that? It incenses their parent, who is sitting right there, having to listen to people telling them their child isn't doing what they are supposed to. They are already annoyed, then to be confronted by their child lying? It embarrasses them, and makes for embarrassing scenes for us, the teachers, as the parent struggles with their anger and frustration at their child, and as the kid sobs.

Then, why do they lie when you sat and watched them do something? For instance, one of my troublemaking boys has recently been getting in quite a bit of trouble with all of his teachers.

His parents have been up to the school multiple times, the teachers call home weekly, we write notes in his planner every day, and more, but he still is struggling with his behavior.

He was sitting in class after he finished a test, and he was supposed to be reading his book. Instead, he had pulled out a toy and was playing with it.

In my class.

In the front row, during a test (so I am watching to make sure no one is talking or cheating), seconds after I had told him to read his book.

Then, after I took it away, he argued with me for 15 minutes about it. I finally tired of it, and told him to go and sit down, so he sat and pouted for the rest of class. After class, he came over to try to sweet talk me, to try to get it back.

I told him that he would have to have a good couple of days in a row to earn it back, which is my normal policy. Most kids are aware of their item in my possession, hanging over their head, and they get it back quickly.

Instead of accepting this and leaving, he starts to argue. Again.

He tells me that he was, "Just taking it out of my pocket to put something else away."

Now, I know this is a lie, since I watched him pull it out and play with it for awhile. I told him this, and how I had watched him play with it, and he said, "No, I was putting something away!"

I told him that he needed to leave now (since class was over and my other kids were trying to come in, but were hovering confusedly in the doorway, not sure if they could come in or not).

He starts shrieking about how it is his and he wasn't doing anything and it wasn't fair.

I was finished.

I wasn't going to sit and be yelled at by a child who had flat out lied to me about a dumb toy that shouldn't have been at school in the first place.

Later, at his parent conference, I told his parents about the incident, and his dad told me to just throw the toy away.

I love when parents are supportive. It makes me feel better about the struggles I have with their kids.

But I still don't understand why the kids lie to me. Or to their parents.

Why?

Ask Your Child!

I recently received an email from one of my parents from last year (since we're in summer, I have relinquished all claim to those kids and anticipate new kids with relish). In it, she asks me why I gave her child, little miss perfect, an F for the final 9 weeks. Why did I not tell her this was coming? Why was her progress report grade so good (if you call a D good, because I don't) if she is now failing? Plus, she copied the principal, guessing I'd respond more quickly if I saw that the principal knows about this issue. (I don't care, honestly. I have an AWESOME principal who understands how these things work).

Why do they do this? Ask why I gave their child a failing grade? I didn't give your child anything. They earned it.

This happens quite often. I guess it shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it does. The number one question I want to ask, before even looking to see why the child has the F, is "Did you ask your child why they earned the F?"

90% of the time, they will say no. Asking the kid sitting at the dinner table, riding in their car, standing in front of them begging for something, does not even occur to them. Instead, they will go out of their way to accost a teacher. I have been chased down in the grocery store, Target, the school parking lot (where they were WAITING FOR ME, which brings to mind a whole new level of obsessed parents), all to ask why little Johnny or little Suzie is failing.

ASK JOHNNY! He'll know. I promise, he'll know.

To be fair, even if they DO ask their child, the child will (in self-preservation) respond with "I have no idea, Mommy! I do alllllll my work! I don't think she likes me!"

But I digress.

The parent that contacted me waited 3 weeks after the report card had come out. I was definitely not going to school any more... I was freed. I don't have access to my gradebook at home. Was she hoping I'd say, "Oh, I don't know, let me change that?" I simply told her that I didn't have access to my gradebook so I would not be able to tell her exactly what the grade break down was, but I do remember that this student did not read her book that she was assigned for her project, wrote a pathetic book report on the book she didn't read, didn't do any of the other parts of the project, and was out for 2 weeks right at the end for a "vacation."

The best part? I was able to tell her that I had taken her child aside and told her that she was going to fail the final 9 weeks (I had warned the kids if they skipped or skimped on the project, they would fail, no way around it). I told her to make sure she told her mother why she failed. I said, I don't want to get an email this summer from your mother claiming you have no idea why you failed.

Ah, the joys of 12-year-olds as they fib their way through life.